DIVORCE AGREEMENT
THIS IS INCREDIBLY WELL-PUT, AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S
WRITTEN BY A STUDENT!!!
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives,
socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of
the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize
that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the
sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its
course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not
ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms.
We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is our separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land
mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am
sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be
relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other
assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
—We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
--You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
--Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the
cops, the NRA, and the military.
--We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal
mines, and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
--You can keep Oprah, Whoopi, Bill Maher, Michael Moore and
Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle
big enough to move all five of them.
--We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical
companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
--You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food
stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
--We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs, and
rednecks.
--We'll keep Bill O’Reilly and Bibles and give you NBC and
Hollywood.
--You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain
the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
--You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.
--When our allies or our way of life are under assault,
we'll help provide them security.
--We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
--You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political
correctness, and Shirley McLaine. You can also have the UN., but we will no
longer be paying the bill.
--We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury
cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
--You can give everyone health care if you can find any
practicing doctors.
--We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and
"The National Anthem."
--I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute
"Imagine," "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing," "Kum
Baya," or "We Are the World."
--We'll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue
to give trickle-up poverty your best shot.
--Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our
name, and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to
other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree,
just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you might think
about which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take George Clooney, Ted Turner, Sean
Penn, Martin Short, Charlie Sheen, Barbra Streisand, and (Hanoi) Jane Fonda
with you.
P.P.S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you
call our country.
Forward This Every Time You Get It !
Let's Keep This Going, Maybe Some Of It Will Start Sink in.
